Tear You Apart
by Nightprophet
Summary: Elena and Damon in the 1990s. Dark, depressing, full of desire they fulfil their lust in one-night stands in a hotel, before realizing that there might be something more there. Mature content. AU. AH.
1. Fade

Fade.

The flaming red sun was falling through the grey window blinds and casting vermillion coloured rectangles upon the wall. Elena stepped into the fading light and let the burnt orange tint cover her skin. She closed her eyes and thought about the evening ahead. There were always expectations when she went out, whether she liked it or not, that is why she preferred to think about them clearly rather than let them roam free in her mind. All she wanted was to finally be noticed by someone. Caroline and her had gone to 'The Quarter' every single Friday night and sometimes after university for drinks, but not one time, had she caught someone's eye. She could not listen to any more of the songs she liked, because they overwhelmed her with desire. For a second Elena held her hand on her black velvet choker and thought about someone tearing it off as they were fucking. Then she awoke from her haze and gulped down the rest of her vodka lemonade.

Outside the bar was a crowd of smokers and as she and Caroline passed, Elena noticed how Caroline purposely slid through a group of men in leather jackets, as closely as she possibly could. Elena wished she could do that. She wished she could be so confident about her sexuality. She did not even dress the part. Caroline wore a little coal coloured dress, practically a slip, vampy red lipstick and a generous amount of black eyeliner. Elena admired every part of her. Meanwhile she wore a black and white striped top, a short black skirt and had wine coloured lips. She knew she looked good, but she was not as magnetic. The bar was full to the brim with people already high and drunk, swaying to the slow, dark melody.

"Drinks?"

"Get one for me, please," Caroline said in her ear as she was already moving away from Elena towards Klaus. Klaus was most likely a dealer. He only talked to Caroline when they accidentally met on nights out and he would then take her to seedy hotels and had introduced her to his friends who were just as seedy. Caroline was adamant that she felt nothing for him and that them sleeping together was just for fun on both sides. Elena knew better. She saw the way Caroline looked at him. She knew because it was something that she wanted for herself.

"What should I get you?" Elena shouted but Caroline could not hear her and just shrugged her shoulders.

Avoiding the spilt beer on the table, Elena leaned over the counter and ordered two beers and a shot of vodka. Alcohol was her toxin, as she had never tried drugs and did not really want to. She had an addictive personality and as such was sure that she would not be able to stop once she started. While she waited she looked around at the people who had gathered there. There was no other colour but black and grey on everyone there, except for the indigo blue stage light which passed over the faces of a couple of people within the crowd. As she turned back to pay for her drinks, she noticed a new face next to her. In the darkness she could hardly make out his features, but could nonetheless see the reflection of the vague light in his eyes. They made ants crawl all over her body as her hair stood on end. He was looking straight into her own.

"Thank you," Elena smiled at the bartender, quickly downed her shot and turned to go to Caroline. Then she felt a hand catch her arm. She saw him say something to her, but she could not hear him. Then he held his hand up to his lips and pretended to smoke. Elena nodded. She went up to Caroline, gave her the beer, caught Klaus' look of mild desire and then went back to the bar. He was still there. Elena was almost sure he would not be. She started walking towards the front entrance, when he pulled her back, took her hand and led her towards the back. Elena knew there was an alley back there, where those who smoked something illegal or shot up would go. At that moment she could not act on her instinct and free herself from his grip.

There were only a couple of junkies out there. The air shot some sense into Elena. The night was warm, but mild. Outside in the streetlight she finally saw what he looked like. The eyes were just as prominent as before, set against pale skin and a face sculpted almost frighteningly sharply. He wore tight black jeans and a t-shirt of the same colour. He pulled out 'Lucky Strikes'.

"Cigarette?" Elena took one and smiled, still not knowing what to say, "Don't take this the wrong way, but are you even twenty-one?"

"Yes. Why?"

"You look scared to be here. As if someone was going to either kick you out or you're just not used to a place like this,"

"I actually come here every week,"

"Mhm," He nodded and laughed.

"I'm Elena,"

He laughed again.

"Nice to meet you, Elena,"

To add to her anxiousness the three other people who were there with them all went back inside. Elena could feel her breathing become irregular. She could not say a word, because she did not know how to talk to someone like him. He looked a lot like Klaus, except mysterious, while Klaus was just sleazy. Elena had never even really spoken to Klaus. They smoked their cigarettes and threw them away. Before Elena could even consider going back inside, he was pressed against her and pushed her towards the red brick wall. He kissed her neck, biting it slightly and held her waist, pulling it closer to him, while Elena tried to understand what she wanted.

"Wait. Not now," Was all she could think of.

"What the hell? When?"

"Let's have something more to drink,"

He did not look angry, but she could feel his disappointment. More importantly she could feel her own, because she knew that she wanted him. Something was not right however. They went back into the bar and Elena ordered a double vodka and coke.

"You didn't tell me your name," She shouted over the music played in between bands. The Cranberries 'Zombie'. A song Elena loved beyond and without a reason. He smiled about what she had said but in a way which hurt her.

"I didn't think I'd have to," Once she heard it, it became blatantly obvious to Elena that this was what had not worked. She had no objections to a one-night stand as a concept or even casual sex, but she could already feel that she liked him more than she should. When she was against the wall, her thoughts had rushed through her head faster than cars on a highway, but one of them had been along the lines of; ' _If this happens, I will never see him again_ '. She probably would not in any case, but there was a sliver of hope.

They drank several drinks as Elena mostly listened to the music, since it was impossible to talk and she knew that he was not interested in that anyway. She felt him suddenly stand behind her and place his arm around her, as he kissed her exposed shoulder and brought his hand up to her neck.

"Let's get out of here,"

They did, after Elena told Caroline she most likely would not be back. Elena wanted this.

Two streets away was a hotel. As they approached it, because she was letting him lead, Elena thought that there was almost no chance that Caroline had not been there. The interior was old fashioned, mostly from the sixties, and run down. The hotel clerk was an old lady, who dressed the part of someone from the era. Her grey streaks were combed into a beehive, her eyeliner was doubled, her fingernails long and pink. She looked them over with an amused expression as he paid for the room.

The bedsheets were grey while the rest of the room was in yellowish tones. There was an ashtray an a clock on the bedside table. A large window which was left open to air out the room. A blinding overhead light struck them as they entered the room itself. He immediately switched it off, turning on the small triangular lamp by the bed. Once again offering Elena a cigarette, which she accepted, he walked to the window and inhaled the smoke powerfully.

"You can have something from the minibar, if you want," He said as he looked over at her, "Looks like you need it,"

"Thanks, but no thanks,"

"What are you doing here?"

"Well, we kind of came here together,"

"I just don't get it. You don't look like you want to be here," He said as he closed the window, "Not that I want to make you leave,"

"I,"

"Did you just have a horrible breakup or something? Are you self-destructing now?"

"What?" Elena felt herself get riled up.

"Don't mind me. Just observations. You look like a good girl, while you don't drink like one, and those puppy eyes ... It's just funny, that's all,"

Elena's confidence plummeted, even though she had little to begin with. Everything began to fade to grey as she felt tears rise in her eyes. She would not let him see her cry. Everything he was saying right now, was everything she already knew. She had always been under Caroline's wing, because she did not fit in otherwise, as much as she wanted to. She had sincerely hoped that after high school that would end. It did not. The worst part of it was that every single person saw it and that is why she had never even gotten to this point with a man on nights out. They all saw her good side, when she was much more than that. She had been good, she had been through a nice and simple relationship, but she had been so bored and unimpressed that, for better or for worse, she needed to know this world. Nobody had told her so openly that she did not fit in before, not even Caroline.

"Clearly, this is not going well. I think I'm going to leave," Elena finally said as she composed herself. She was still hesitant.

He walked up to her and placed his hands on her waist softly.

"Don't be so sensitive. I was just joking,"

Elena wanted to slap him, but instead she dug her hands into his back and kissed him as passionately as she could.

"God, I want to fuck you," He said as he caught her hair.

As she kissed his lips and his neck, she undid his jeans and pulled up his shirt, scratching his chest. He threw her on the bed and took off her top. Elena had not worn a bra, so she was immediately left exposed as he passed his hands over her breasts, kissing them while raising up her skirt. He removed his trousers, took out a condom from the pocket and after putting it on, got back on the bed. He turned Elena over roughly and removed her underwear. A second later, she could feel him inside her and, as he began to move, he did it strongly. Elena clutched the sheets while he put his hands on her breasts and then neck. He then pulled out and turned her on her back. He took her hands and put them above her head, holding them down, as he entered her again.

"Harder, " Elena breathed in his ear.

"I thought I was doing an okay job at that,"

"Don't think I'm afraid,"

He became even rougher, kissing her neck, leaving love bites as he held on to her nape. The thrusting became so powerful that Elena felt like she was moments away from coming. She passed her hands over his back before she dug her nails into it. As she did, he came.

For a moment, he lay on top of her resting his head on the pillow by the side of her head. As he raised his head and looked at her, he shook it and laughed lightly.

"Ok. That I did not expect," He said as he walked over to the window to open it once again. They both lit up their cigarettes as he sat back down on the bed. Elena put the ashtray between them. When he had walked to the window, she had felt the urge to cover herself with the dusty sheet, but she purposely did not. She knew she should not be ashamed of her body, and besides he had already seen it.

"I know there may be no point, but will you just tell me your name?"

"Damon,"

"Why did you decide to reveal it now?"

"Because you asked,"

"Don't try to tell me I'm the only one that has,"

"It doesn't happen often. I usually go home with girls who care or rather don't just about as much as I do,"

"That almost felt like an insult,"

"That I'm insinuating that you care?" Elena nodded, "Do you?"

"To some extent. I'm not completely emotionless. We did just sleep together. I just thought it would be decent to know your name,"

"Decent. I don't really associate well with that word,"

"It's strange that I've never seen you at 'The Quarter' before, since I assume you've been there,"

"Well I've never seen you either. Even though we live in a small world, it may still take time for people to meet,"

"Then again I do feel like I have seen you before. Ignore what I said,"

"Oh, have you!" Damon laughed, "Never wanted to come up to me is that right?"

"I prefer to let someone else make the first move,"

"Not how it happened right here,"

Elena could not really respond to that. That's what happens when you are attracted to someone powerfully - it changes you.

"Do you regret it?" He asked her.

"No, not at all,"

"Good, because that would make me feel like shit,"

"I should probably get going," Elena said as she picked up the small alarm clock which sat on the bedside table, "Do you think we'll ever see each other at the bar again?"

"Very likely,"

Elena had asked that with another question in mind, but she did not want to pose it now. In truth she did not know how she felt about him at all.

They parted at the door of the hotel. Beyond a goodbye, nothing else was exchanged. Elena made her way home. Her room was quiet, but her ears were still ringing from the music and her own heart. She put on one of her tapes and turned the volume down. The Eagles' 'Hotel California' faintly filled the disturbing silence. Elena sat down on her bed and looked outside of the window. It was close to three in the morning. The sky was still dark, but she felt as though any moment the sun would burst upwards from the horizon and she would be drawn out of the fantasy she was still living. The expectation had become reality. It may not have been perfect, but even when she was thinking of it, she did not want it to be. All she had wanted was to be with someone, even for a moment, who felt a desire for passion to the extent that she did. She had felt it in Damon. Perhaps she looked like a good girl on the outside, but was fiery within, but for him it was not the exact opposite, but close to it. Then again she could be wrong, they had only spent a few hours together. However she knew that she would not stop thinking about him until her head would fall onto the pillow and her mind would drift off to sleep.

/

Melted ice cream dripped down cones, lemonade stands appeared and nobody wore anything longer than shorts during the day. It was a sweltering spring day, which warned of the coming summer. Elena and Caroline worked in a hotel bar on some days. The hotel was called 'Hotel Ivory '. This particular evening was slow, except for the regular customer. A man with a mustache and a wedding ring, who met a woman there every Monday and Thursday. He always ordered a gin and tonic in a tall class. A rosé wine for the woman, who only ever drank a sip of it. While Caroline read the weekly horoscope, of everyone who was working, aloud, Elena sat at the counter and drifted off into her fantasies. It was a Thursday and they were going out later that night, which was unusual for them. Caroline had been persuaded by Klaus to go to one of his parties and she in turn had persuaded Elena.

The strong sunshine and heat had made Elena feel miserable and all she had wanted was for it to be night-time again. All she wanted was to see Damon again. Not to talk to him, but just to make sure that he existed, that it had happened. Since that night only a week ago, her confidence had exploded. While he had made snide remarks about her not fitting in, he had not said a bad word about her in bed. Just as she began to truly embrace these waves of thoughts which brought Damon along with them, someone walked into the bar.

"Stefan, hey," Caroline jumped off her seat as she saw him.

"Hi!" He kissed her cheek, "I just came by to give you the spare house keys. Liz told me to give them to you since you left yours at home,"

"Thank you. Life saver. I wouldn't want to wake her up when I get back,"

"You going out tonight?" Elena felt every part of her body suddenly freeze as she was afraid that Caroline would feel bad and invite him along.

"Yes, my friend is having a party," She smiled, "You can come along if you want,"

"No, thanks," Stefan looked at Elena, "But have fun," He gave Caroline a hug, before walking over to Elena, "Hi, can we talk?"

"Sure,"

They walked outside into the hot, stuffy air of the balcony.

"How are you?"

"I'm great. You?"

"Yes, me too," He hesitated, "Elena, I miss you. I wish you would come to your senses,"

"Excuse me?"

"Why did we end this? You never did give me a reason,"

"Stefan, it's been more than two months,"

"Well, we were together for two years, I think it warrants a reason,"

"I … I tried to tell you and whatever I said, you agreed with me. Everything had become so very routine,"

"I know. And I've thought about it and I think we can change that,"

"I don't think we can. You need to move on,"

"Did you just want to sleep around?"

"What?"

"Well you're going to 'The Quarter' every week. Caroline, she's always been that way, but that's not a place for you,"

"Why does everyone suddenly think they know what is or isn't for me?" Elena raised her voice, "I like it there. It's not the happy-go-lucky bullshit that's everywhere else. Yes, some of the people who go there are junkies, alcoholics or one step away from suicide, but it's something I can relate to right now," She turned to go back inside, "And the fact that you did not notice that and can't see it now is the reason why we can no longer be together,"

"That was harsh,"

"It's the truth,"

Everyone was in their dorm rooms as Elena returned after work and before the party. Her room was a wreck of half-drunk glasses, clothes, a volcano of tapes on the floor and a bed which had not had the pleasure of being made in at least a month. She quickly got to changing her clothes, but suddenly stopped. An overwhelming feeling of sadness hit her right in the heart and she could not move. She had not seen Stefan for a while and he had brought it all back again. Two years of playing the role of the perfect girlfriend, the nice girl, but she had still not made herself believe it. Above all she did not want to be a disappointment, but there was no one left to disappoint. Her parents had died when she was little, her brother studied half a world away, Caroline had always been there, but at the same time she had so many other people in her life that their friendship was not proportional. That is why Stefan had been so important. She wanted to love him beyond words, but she could not, and she realised it when it was too late. Elena walked over to her dresser and took out an envelope of photos.

'The Greatest Hits of 1994' were playing in the background as she looked at the glossy pictures. They were all so generically happy. Here they were at the carnival, here they were in London, here they were with Caroline and her then boyfriend Matt. That may have been a way to survive, but it was not living. The moment she thought that to herself, she remembered Damon. However as she remembered him, she also noticed something else. A resemblance and then it struck her that she had not seen him in the bar before, but in pictures. When she finally understood what she had realised, Elena felt even more of a need to go out and drink her sorrows away.


	2. Descent

_Hello everyone! I wrote the first chapter in state of complete stupor, not really knowing what is happening or why I am writing it. I just knew that it had to be written. That is why there is already a second chapter - I am tapping into my own desire to know what will happen next. The AHS:Hotel element will mostly come from the hotel itself and the curious people they will meet there over time. Supernatural elements are not really my field, so other than some mystery, there won't be anything else. That's all for now. Hope you enjoy the second chapter._

* * *

Descent.

The street was eerily quiet. Elena could only hear Caroline's heels as they walked along the pavement. She was holding onto Caroline's arm, because it felt safer and also because she felt like she might stumble somewhere at any moment. They walked through an alley smothered with posters of bands where a couple were having sex. At times Elena felt as though she was living a movie. One which she wanted to be a part of, but one which might be terrible for her in the long run. As they walked into Klaus's building, Elena knew she wanted to be anywhere else rather than there. Somehow her feeling did not warrant action and so she followed Caroline to his apartment.

The room was dark but for a lamp in the corner. Next to it a sofa with people devouring each other. The tables were covered in beer bottles, cups and ashtrays. Klaus stood by the sound system and talked to his brother, as they came in. He shot a look at Caroline, but his conversation was more important. The two girls stood by the door for a moment, before Caroline took the lead and led Elena into the kitchen. She herself had never been in the apartment before. There was nothing remarkable about it, except for the degradation the party brought with it. While Caroline was opening their beers, Elena looked at the door of another room, which was left partially open. It was the toilet where someone was shooting up at that very moment. The girl, who sat there, looked straight at Elena and this look of complete blankness made Elena look away.

"Come on, let's go find Klaus," Caroline took Elena's hand.

They went up to him and while Caroline leaned in to kiss him, Elena averted her eyes. She knew she was there as a guest, but she really wished neither Caroline or her were there. There was something about this place which sent bad vibes through her.

"Elena, right?" Klaus was addressing her, "Meet my brother Elijah,"

Caroline had already told her his name. "Nice to meet you,"

"You too," Elijah smiled without even looking at her and then passed by them to leave.

"Well, that was rude," Klaus laughed, "I thought you could two could hit it off," That was the last thing he said to her that night. He soon proceeded to ignore her and felt up Caroline, as Elena tried to find something to do.

She started looking at the tapes stacked next to the music player and drank her beer anxiously. Everyone there seemed to be looking at her. Perhaps she was just imagining it, but it made her feel uncomfortable. Elena wanted to leave and go to 'The Quarter', because perhaps there would be a slight chance that Damon would be there. Or at least someone else like him. She danced to the music, drank three more beers, talked to Kol, apparently another one of Klaus's brothers, about music before he was ushered away by Elijah to sell something, and still not more than an hour had passed since they had arrived. Exasperated that she felt so incredibly bored and unimpressed Elena went up to Caroline and Klaus, who were sitting on the sofa. Caroline sat in his lap as he stroked her bare thighs, tugging at her black, lacy garter.

"I'm leaving, see you tomorrow?"

"Elena, come on, stick around, it's still early,"

"I feel really tired,"

"Is it Stefan? Did he upset you today?" Caroline shook off Klaus's hands as she stood up, "He called me just before I left the bar to meet you. He wanted to join us, but I told him we had changed our plans and that we are going to 'The Quarter' instead. Serves him right,"

"Thanks for not inviting him,"

"Sure. I just don't get him. He's nice and all, but you broke up," She put her hand on Elena's shoulder, "You know Kol is quite cool. I saw you talking to him,"

"Care, he's not really my type,"

"What is your type?"

"I ..." Elena considered telling Caroline everything that had happened, but she refrained, "I don't know. I'm going to go. Have fun," She gave her a hug and left, wandering back to the main street in town and headed straight to 'The Quarter', sincerely hoping that if Stefan had gone there, that he would have left by now and that Damon was there by the bar and that she could talk to him.

There was a rave on that night. Strobe lights hit her eyes as she walked inside and someone bumped into her quite strongly. Elena felt at home. She headed straight to the bar and away from the beam of bright lights that attacked her. Everything was loud and no one cared that she was there and this feeling was exactly what she wanted. She wanted to remain invisible until she wanted to be seen. Standing beside the bar and drinking her vodka Elena searched high and low for Damon, but could not see him anywhere. She knew that there was little possibility that he would be at a bar on a Thursday night, but she held onto the hope that fate would somehow bring them together.

"Elena," She turned to find Stefan right by her side, "I almost thought that you and Caroline had stood me up,"

"Caroline's not here and I didn't come to meet you," She snapped, "I can't believe you're in this place after giving me a lecture today,"

"I wanted to see you,"

"Why now? Why are you trying now?"

"I needed some time to after we broke up to think things over,"

"Great, too bad you came to the wrong conclusion,"

"Elena,"

"No, I don't want to deal with this,"

"Why are you so angry?" Elena's heart was pumping strongly, her hands balled into fists, she could not answer the question herself. Something about him made her feel blind rage and it had been the same the last few months they had been together.

"Can you just leave me alone for a moment?" She blurted out and then headed to the back exit, hoping that he would not follow her.

As she stepped out into the quiet of the alley, a few small raindrops hit her face. She reached into the pocket of her leather jacket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.

"Hey baby," Someone said from behind her and as Elena spun around she was met with Damon's sly stare.

"Hi?" This was not the moment in which she wanted to see him. Elena still felt anger burn brightly within her and all she wanted was to be left alone. Now she knew that she would need to bring up something that would most likely add more fuel to the fire.

"Were you looking for me?"

"How conceited of you. No, I was actually looking to be alone,"

"Well then, pretend I'm not here,"

"Not the easiest task," Elena sighed out the smoke. She hesitated before speaking, "I had to escape a fight,"

"Angry boyfriend?" Damon laughed.

"No, ex,"

"So I was right. You are self-destructing after a breakup,"

"Not exactly, that was two months ago. Might interest you to know that it's your brother,"

"Excuse me?"

"Stefan. He's your brother isn't he?"

"Wait, what the hell? I fucked my brother's girl?"

"Not the best way to put it. We aren't together,"

"Did you know who I was?" Damon did not look angry or surprised, rather amused.

"No. I thought I'd seen you before, but I only realised it today, that I'd seen you in your family photos,"

"I'll be damned. Do you know that it's not the first time this has happened?" Damon started laughing.

"I'm glad you find it amusing,"

"I don't see what the big deal is,"

"It may not matter to you, but I can only assume that Stefan would freak out if he knew,"

"How is Stefan anyway? I haven't seen him in a long time. Come to think of it, I thought he avoided this place like the plague,"

Elena sighed. She did not want to keep this conversation going. Somehow Damon was no longer who she wanted him to be. Some part of the mystery had been taken away.

"Listen, I'm not going to tell him if that's what you're worried about," He took a step closer to her,

"It doesn't matter anyway. Nothing really does anymore,"

"No, no, don't go all depressed on me," Damon cupped her face in his hands, "Do you want to get out of here?" Elena nodded.

They walked the streets for a while, not talking, not really going anywhere. Elena was confused by this, but she assumed that Damon saw that she needed to clear her mind. It was raining harder by now, with strong drops hitting their heads and faces, soaking them to their skin.

"Is it fine if we go inside somewhere?" He finally asked. Elena stopped.

"Do you want to come over to my dorm?"

"Not really my thing. Want to go over to the place we went to last time?"

"That's fine,"

They headed in the direction of the hotel and stopped at a store along the way, where Damon bought a bottle of tequila. The hotel was quiet, with even the lady not at her desk. Damon rang the bell while Elena walked around the lobby. She noticed that this time the person who came out from the back room was someone else. While she stared at Damon, someone came up to her.

"Hello there," Elena looked at the person and recoiled slightly. It was the girl she had seen in Klaus's apartment, drugged out of her mind. It looked like she had been crying, her eyeliner smeared and her mascara running down all across her cheeks. Her painted burgundy lips were chapped, but she was nevertheless smiling, "I know you from somewhere,"

"Yeah, I think I saw you at Klaus's,"

"Oh," She nodded, "I'm Vicki,"

"Elena,"

"This is a shithole isn't it?" Vicki looked around her, "But there's something about it. Once you start coming here, with someone that is, it's hard not to return,"

At that moment Damon came up to them and took Elena by the arm, dragging her away. The expression on his face was one of disdain. As they stepped into the elevator, Elena looked back and saw Vicki kissing Elijah.

The room was different this time. Everything was in various shades of dusty pink. The colour was sickening with its pretense of romanticism. The air smelled of a mix between strong disinfectant and an apple scented air freshener. Damon took the two plastic glasses set above the minibar and poured in some tequila.

"Why did you pull me away from that girl downstairs?"

"Did you want to keep talking to her?"

"No,"

"Well then,"

"Do you know her?"

"I've seen her around. She's about as low as you can get,"

"That's a horrible thing to say,"

"It's the truth," Elena knew she had made the same justification only hours ago, but only now did she understand how unnerving and pointless it actually was.

"How about we drink to being back here again,"

"Why not?" They swallowed their drinks and then looked at each other. The look lasted and it seemed as though both of them were trying to understand why exactly they were back there again.

"What would happen if I were to kiss you right now?" Damon moved closer.

"Nothing bad," Elena threw down her glass and caught his face in her hands, climbing on top of him. She could feel his erection press into her and she knew she was already wet. Elena took of his shirt and pulled the straps of her dress down along with the dress itself, revealing her upper half. Damon's hands held on to her backside as she teased him by moving above him. He lifted her up and placed her on the bed, took off the rest of his clothes and entered her greedily, pushing her underwear aside. Their skin, still wet from the rain, was pressed together hardly. Elena moaned as Damon used his fingers to make her come. It only took a moment, since her arousal had been built up from days and days of wanting this moment to happen again.

She pulled him even closer to her and bit his shoulder. Damon pulled her up into his arms and carried her over to the wall. Her back pressed against the cold surface, Elena could feel each thrust he made and each breath he took. She wanted it to last forever, because in this one moment she had forgotten everything else in her life. Everything that worried her, upset her, everything that was inconsequential faded away and all that was left was raw desire. An emotion she thought was more honest than anything else. Damon moved faster and faster as Elena held onto him and kissed him. Finally he finished and slowly let Elena's legs down onto the floor. He fell onto the bed, while Elena sorted out her dress.

She heard a loud moan from across the hall as she walked over to the dresser and took the bottle of tequila. Taking a large gulp, she sat beside Damon on the bed.

"I didn't think this would happen again," Damon said running his hand through his hair.

"I know," Elena replied, fully knowing that she did not mean it.

"Do you want to stay here for the night?"

"Yes," She passed the alcohol to him.

"Good," He raised himself up, "I don't want to let you go just yet,"

"Why?"

Damon just smiled, drank and then got up and went to go to the bathroom. Elena took out her cigarettes from the pocket of her jacket and out fell a razor blade. She quickly put it back. Damon had not said anything, but he must have noticed the scars on her legs. It was a habit she had almost quit, but nevertheless she carried the blade around with her. Stefan had asked her about the scars once and she had become so frustrated by the way he had posed the question, that she had not spoken to him for days. It had not been ' _Why do you do it?_ ', but rather ' _Why don't you stop?_ '. Elena took off her choker and her earrings, got under the covers and lit up her cigarette.

When Damon came back, he lay down next to her and stroked a stray hair away from her face.

"Tell me something," Elena said, feeling uncomfortable no longer knowing what to do, once they had both gotten what they wanted.

"I'm not really someone who shares much,"

"I'm not asking for your life story, just something interesting,"

"Sorry, not my strong suit. I don't talk much,"

"Are we going to sit in silence?"

"Tell me what you and Stefan fought about,"

"That's not fair,"

Damon turned off the light, leaving the room in darkness except for the streetlight which cast its glow across the walls.

"Then let's not talk,"

Elena thought for a moment.

"He wants me back,"

"And you don't want to return," She shook her head in the darkness, "You prefer to sleep with low-lifes like me,"

"Not what I would call you,"

"It's what Stefan called me,"

"He doesn't like me going to that place,"

"Be careful now, you'll wind up in the same category as me,"

"I wouldn't really care,"

"It's horrible that I'm so attracted to your sadness," He passed his hand over her cheek.

"Why are you and Stefan on bad terms?"

Damon placed his finger over her lips. The mystery was back. He took the cigarette out of her hand and extinguished it in the ashtray, then moved closer, caressing her breasts. Elena responded by taking his length in her hand. She took the cover off of them and moved down, taking him in her mouth. Damon caught her hair and groaned. The onyx painted nails of her right hand passed across his chest as she moved her left up and down, licking the tip of his shaft. She did it until he came inside her mouth, moaning from pleasure. Damon tried to get to her, to satisfy her, but Elena shook her head. She got up and went to the bathroom.

Washing her face in the cool water, she thought to herself how very afraid she was that this would be it. She could not let this thought get to her. It had gotten to her last time and it had made her miserable. The days in between these two times had been a time of agony, of her drifting in between numbness and pure and dizzying sadness. University, work, studying everything seemed to have happened without her even being present. Her mind had been locked in this hotel room, in Damon's embrace. She felt addicted to him, he was now her venom.

They went to sleep, but it did not last for long. Elena could hardly sleep at home, let alone in a hotel and while she did, she had the most vivid hallucinations. Pools of blood in rooms, screams from the basement, a man walking around smiling with a needle in his hand. They awoke her with a powerful jump and she immediately felt her soaked and dewy skin. She went to wash her face. Staring into the mirror set against the lime green tiles, Elena could not help but marvel at the misery across her features. The circles under her eyes, the messy long hair, the love bites on her neck. It all blended in strange and beautiful harmony. She opened the bathroom window and smoked a cigarette. The street below was silent with a car rarely passing. She wondered what the morning would bring, but tried to not focus on it too much. This was good enough. The thought of someone like Damon in the bed in the next room was enough for her.


	3. This Picture

_**Note: Trigger warning (!) - rape. Not only that, but an overall dark chapter with many realizations for a few characters. I hope you'll find it interesting!**_

* * *

This picture.

The room was freezing cold. Clothes in disarray spread across the floor, ashes scattered around the ashtray and the empty bottle of tequila sitting prominently on the nightstand. Elena awoke to this scene, her skin covered in goosebumps, most of her body bare, with only an inch of the blanket on her side of the bed. She looked at Damon, asleep so serenely next to her. Everything in her body was telling her that she could be sick at any moment, therefore she quietly rushed to the bathroom. Once there, she sat down next to the toilet on the cold floor tiles and hoped that the terrible feeling would go away. It went away slightly, although she could feel that it was not the last of it. Splashing some cold water on her face and combing through her hair with her fingers, this time she avoided her reflection. One thing she deeply regretted was that he would now see her in the light of day. That was something different altogether. The strobe lights, the dimness of the hotel, the dark streetlights - it all cast an almost magical glow on someone's appearance. Now she was exposed and self-conscious and felt as though it might be best to leave him while he was asleep, because she did not know if she would be able to talk to him without the nighttime cloak and without liquid encouragement.

Entering the room, Elena could sense that Damon was awake. She heard him stretching before she saw him.

"Good morning," she murmured while picking up her clothes.

"Morning," Damon replied coldly looking her up and down, before going into the bathroom.

Elena knew she was not ready for this encounter. Quickly putting on her clothes, she made herself look somewhat decent, checked if she had forgotten anything and then left the room, feeling only slightly guilty. Damon was most likely not in need of her company anyway.

On her way back to the dorm in the early morning mist, Elena tried to avoid meeting the eyes of passersby. It seemed obvious to her that all of them would know what she had done last night. There was nothing to be ashamed of, that was what she thought to herself rationally. However at seven o'clock on a Friday morning walking past men in business suits and women perfectly done up, she felt detached from society and felt so completely overwhelmed, that she thought she would melt from the look of any one of them. Opening the door of her room was a blessing, because she finally entered a secluded environment. Immediately taking off all of her clothes and throwing them in the dirty laundry pile, Elena did not know quite what to do. She had to go to a lecture in two hours, but it seemed to exist in such a far off world, that she could not quite imagine doing that.

The photos of her and Stefan were still on her bed. Putting on a warm dressing gown, as she was still shivering, she tried to decide whether it might be best to throw them away or if that would be something that she might regret later in life. The problem was that she could not imagine such a time as 'later' even happening. For the first time since she had embraced going out with Caroline, she felt miserable and truly self-destructive. Damon had been right. What hurt her most was that Damon was a part of that process. She could not imagine going back to the bar at that moment in time, yet she could not imagine not seeing him again either. Making herself a cup of black coffee, Elena fell asleep while it was still brewing in the kitchen.

/

Damon came out of the bathroom to find nothing. No Elena, no note. Nothing but emptiness. Something which he was used to. The stillness of a room still petrified him, even after being on his own for a long time. Then again he had feared that Elena would want to spend the morning with him, to have breakfast and the like. Once again he had misread her. It drove him insane that he could not quite grasp who she was. At first sight everything had seemed so simple, with them coming to the hotel to fuck. Something he had also become used to, it was almost a routine. However even the first night had been different than the others. He had acted so bizarrely when he said all the things he did about her. Damon sat down on the bed and tried to block her out of his mind. He knew that in a little while she would probably get bored of this world, his world, and go back to being the good girl, that he thought she was. With that she would discard him and he would be free to find someone else. It bothered him that he felt like he could not do that now. Somehow it did not feel right.

It was a while before he awoke from his thoughts, got dressed and checked out of the room. Sitting at the front desk was Isobel, a woman he had also known intimately, but who had become his confidante. She raised her eyebrow as he approached.

"Rough night?"

"You know it was," He smiled.

"I don't spy on you, Damon,"

"I was not implying that. I rather thought it was obvious that it couldn't have been otherwise,"

"Hm. Will you ever stop doing this?"

"I feel like you ask me that too often,"

"True. I just feel as though the more I repeat the question, the more likely it is that it will settle somewhere within your mind,"

"Quite naïve of you,"

"Not naïve, just hopeful. You're much better than this. Much better than this place,"

Damon scowled. Whatever Isobel said, he could not get angry with her, but he despised it when anyone presumed that he was better than he actually was. He loathed himself, because he knew the worst aspects of who he was, and because of that he disliked the ignorance that comes with someone else saying that he was 'better'.

"I have to go. Here is the key," He turned and left ignoring Isobel's farewell.

The air felt smothering and damp. Despite that he did not want to go home yet. Home was a small studio with nothing but a bed, a chair for clothes, some alcohol and a few books. It was grey and dreary, which was a direct portrayal of his life in general. Stopping at an Irish pub which was already open and full of people eating breakfast, Damon stepped inside and ordered a coffee. He sat by the window and drank it in gulps. Completely oblivious to everything and everyone around him, he thought about the night ahead of him. He thought about what would happen if Elena would stop by the bar again.

/

It had started raining outside and Elena ran over to the open window to save her lecture notes from water which was gushing in violently. The photos lay buried in the bin. Despite it being only three o'clock in the afternoon, she had already poured herself a second glass of vodka. It was a reward for actually making the effort and going to her lecture. She was trying. Trying so very hard to succeed at something. Lectures, her work, and right now tidying her mess of a room, but none of these things made her feel as though she was actually achieving something. If anything, the things she did made her feel as though she was taking a step back each time. Powerful knocking at her door interrupted her lonely misery.

Caroline burst through the door.

"Not cool, Elena, not cool,"

"I'm sorry, Care,"

"I can't believe you left. I was drunk enough to be all fine about it, but I wasn't," she said as she shut the door loudly, "What is up with you lately?"

"What do you mean?"

"I feel like you're avoiding me in a way. Not even that. No. You just seem really, I don't know, odd,"

"I can't explain it myself. I know what you mean, but I just feel like," Elena paused and then shook her head, "I don't know,"

Caroline stood and looked at her for a moment, her expression slowly changing from fury to pity.

"Was the party good?"

"Not really," She said as she sat down on Elena's bed and took her drink, "Klaus, he. Well he. I don't know if I want to talk about it,"

"Caroline, what is it?"

"Well. When you left I got blind drunk, because I was kind of upset about it. And I remember him being angry with me. Then I blacked out and I woke up," She caught her breath. For a moment trying to speak, but then nothing but tears and a sob came forth. The complete hysteria Elena saw before her frightened her, because she knew that Klaus was by no means a good person.

"Caroline, what happened?" She sat down next to her, taking her under her arm.

"I remember pushing him away, but he just wouldn't listen,"

"Oh god,"

"And I don't think he used a condom, but I don't know Elena, I don't know,"

"Care, are you on the pill?" She nodded, "I want to kill that asshole,"

"But it's not like," Caroline took a breath, "It's not like we don't fuck all the time anyway. It'll be fine. He was just stupid and drunk,"

"No. You can't think like that. Care, you need to leave him once and for all. You told me yourself that you're not in a relationship anyway. He's bad news,"

"Elena, I can't, I can't leave him," Caroline continued crying as Elena held her in her arms. She knew why Caroline said that, because love makes people act in the most incomprehensible ways imaginable. And Elena knew that Caroline loved him madly. This state, that Caroline was in, would not make her listen to reason. Elena tried to comfort her for hours, before the latter fell asleep out of exhaustion and a lack of tears. When she did Elena dressed and snuck out, to go back to 'The Quarter' one last time.

/

The drink in his hand had become warm. People were dancing and screaming all the words to Placebo, as Damon stood pressed against a wall close to the bar. He had made good money that night, selling everything he needed, and felt like his work was done. Eyeing all the women that were close to him, he tried to discern if any of them would be a good lay. While some of them were gorgeous, he did not feel interested enough. His full interest belonged to someone who just at that moment walked through the door. Not wishing to be blatantly forward, he stayed by the wall for a while. In the meantime Elena ordered a drink and sipped it, looking around aimlessly. He knew that she was waiting for him. Damon approached as casually as possible.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't the girl who ran out on me," Elena smiled awkwardly.

"I'm sorry, I had to be somewhere,"

"No need to lie. I get it,"

"How are you?"

"Fine. How about yourself?"

"I can't even explain it,"

"That bad, buttercup?"

Elena nodded and ordered a shot. Damon could see that something was not right, but he did not dare to ask. He knew that she could potentially be prone to going into detail about her personal life and he did not want to hear all about it.

"Let's dance," She said.

"Why?"

"Why not?" Elena asked as she pulled him into a crowd of people. People swaying to _'How soon is now?',_ people who were each lost in their own worlds. As they did the same, Damon felt as though he wanted to be wherever Elena was, to be closer to her than he was now. Hell, he could even take her there on the dance floor in the darkness, their skin pressed together tightly, everything hot and overpowering. He pulled her close to him by the nape of her neck.

"Elena, let's get out of here,"

"No, I don't want to,"

"Come on, you're driving me mad," He pushed into her so that she could feel his arousal.

"I don't want to,"

Damon knew he would not be able to stay there for much longer.

"I'm going outside for a smoke," He said and left, without seeing what she had to say.

Walking into the rain, looking up at the streetlight and watching the drops fall across the light, Damon lit his cigarette in the corner of the alley. Elena came outside soon after.

"Damon, I don't want to do it this way anymore,"

He shook his head and laughed.

"I knew it. Well then don't. Why did you look me up tonight then?"

"I wanted to tell you that and see if,"

"No, Elena. This is my fucking world and I get it, you've suddenly realised that you're above it. Well, good for you, but don't expect me to follow your lead,"

"Why the hell not? I'm not asking for anything, just that we don't go back to that place anymore and that this, well, that this," She pushed back her soaking wet hair and closed her eyes. Damon knew that she could not say what she wanted to say out loud.

"It doesn't work that way. I know it may be hard for you to understand, but I like it that way and if you don't, then I'll find someone else who does. I should not have slept with you again in the first place," He threw his cigarette away and tried to walk off. He had not felt this in a long time - a pang of guilt bled into him. He turned around and looked at Elena, who stood there, shivering, looking at him with scorn. Damon walked up to her and tried to put his hands on her waist.

"No, don't fucking touch me," She shouted.

"I shouldn't have said that,"

"You did. Words can't be taken back," She tried to go past him, but he stopped her with his arm.

"Elena, I can't let you leave like this. This shouldn't end this way,"

"You just ended it!" This time it was almost a scream. Despite the cold rain, Elena's skin was boiling hot. It became clear that most of this courage was directly linked to alcohol.

"I know, I know. Come on, let's go to the hotel and we can talk there. Just talk,"

"I don't want to, Damon. I can't do this, I can't do this," Elena slowly descended onto the pavement in tears. Damon tried to pull her up, but she would not move.

"Elena, come on. You can't stay here like this," He knew that what he said was disgustingly cold, but he could not understand how to comfort her. Emotions were something he had avoided for his entire life and something he therefore did not understand. Finally he was able to pull her up into his arms and he slowly led her towards the hotel.

As he checked them in, he thanked fate that it was not Isobel at the front desk. Her words sounded in his head errily at this moment, when he had a red eyed and completely apathetic Elena on his arm. They went into their room and he made Elena sit down on the bed, wrapping her in the blanket. He went and closed the window, trapping the once again powerful smell of cleaning products inside. He stood by the curtains for a while, looking at the misery filled figure sitting on the bed. She had lost all of her grungy appeal, but something about her honesty had made him all the more interested. For once he was actually curious about someone. Being attracted to her vulnerability made Damon feel almost nauseous, but he could not change his thoughts.

"Are you ok?"

Elena did not answer. He could still see that she was shivering. She had stood in the cool spring rain in nothing but a strappy dress.

"Caroline won't forgive me for leaving her,"

"What?"

Again silence followed. Damon went up to the bed and lay her down, getting under the covers himself and pulling her close, trying to warm her up.

"I can't tell you what happened. But I've been a really shitty friend," Elena held back tears, "And a really shitty person,"

"I don't believe that,"

"I am. I knew he was scum and I didn't do anything about it, I didn't try to persuade her. I just, I just didn't care. I'm horrible,"

"I don't believe that,"

"It's true. And I just wanted to make something right. I wanted this to be something I'm not ashamed of, I just wanted to feel good for once,"

"Elena, if you're looking for that, then you're with the wrong person,"

"I don't believe that," She smiled slightly before starting to cry, "Now I won't ever be able to look you in the eye again,"

"Don't think like that,"

Somewhere between these words and Elena's tears, the two of them fell asleep. Damon woke up in the morning, disturbed by the bright lamp light and his clothes. He got out of bed, trying not to wake Elena and went over to the window. There was barely any light out yet. The clock showed five. He sat down in the armchair in the corner of the room and rubbed his eyes, trying to understand what they had been through the night before. This was completely abnormal for him, since he had not even come close to any type of human relationship since Katherine and his feud with Stefan which left them all as enemies. Now a broken girl lay on the hotel bed and he knew that he would have to say something to her, when she wakes up. And yet he had no idea what to say.


	4. Exit Wounds

Exit wounds. 

A strong smell of cigarette smoke awoke Elena. She cautiously opened her eyes and looked at Damon sitting by the window. Her heart started beating at an incredible rate, as she remembered the events of the previous night. Embarrassment poured into her and made her want to go to sleep again. Before she could close her eyes and pretend that none of it ever happened, Damon noticed that she was awake.

Instead of saying something he just tilted his head and smiled. Elena got out of bed and whispering, "I can't do this yet" went into the bathroom. She had no idea what to say or where to even begin. When she opened the door of the bathroom, Damon was standing right in front of her.

"Elena, I'm sorry for what I said yesterday,"

"I'm sorry for how I acted,"

"No, don't be,"

"It was irrational. I knew that you didn't want this to be anything serious, but I tried to force it on you. I feel so stupid. I think I should leave now,"

Damon took her face in his hands and met her eyes,

"No, you shouldn't,"

Unable to cope with his look of concern or pity, Elena kissed him, to which he immediately responded.

"You can't escape this conversation that way," He said sighing.

"Why not?" She still tried to avoid his eyes and instead raised his shirt, passing her hands over his chest.

Damon pushed her into the bathroom and up against the rosy tiled wall. He raised her up as she put her legs around him, kissing him anxiously. He pushed her underwear aside as she unzipped his trousers. He slid into her, setting her skin on fire. Her lips were leaving bruises on his neck as he held a strong grip on her. Elena had not looked into his eyes a single time, but when she did, she enjoyed the lust she found there. Lust was much better than pity. Her fingers dug into his back as he came, letting her down on her floor gently.

They lay on the cold bathroom floor, staring up at the nicotine stained ceiling, adding their own mark with a cloud of smoke. He held his hand around her, as if trying to keep her there, because he knew that she would run away otherwise.

"Elena,"

"No, no, let's not talk,"

"We need to,"

"You're making me feel like an idiot. I'm never the one who wants to talk," Elena sighed, "The reason why I don't want anything serious is because every single relationship I've had has been a disaster, and I just can't deal with that,"

"So you've sworn off relationships for forever?"

"I don't know,"

"Like I said, I feel embarrassed for how I acted yesterday. I really don't expect anything more," After a brief pause, Elena continued, "In fact, we should probably not see each other again,"

"Why?"

"This can only end badly,"

Damon wanted to disagree, he wanted to protest and tell her that she was being too rash, but he knew that she was right. He kissed her forehead, unable to say anything.

"We will probably see each other at the bar anyway," He finally spoke.

"Then we can just be very adult about it and say hello, but nothing more,"

The silence seemed both comforting and unbearable. Suddenly Elena got up, prompting Damon to do the same.

"Don't leave,"

She just smiled and passed her hand over his cheek. Without another word, Elena left the room. She started walking towards the elevator, but soon realized that she had taken so many turns in the corridors that she was lost in the maze of the hotel. Starting to panic she kept walking, but the more she did, the more the situation she had just left behind begun to overtake her. Her breathing became erratic and her eyes began to fog over with tears until she could not take it anymore and fell to the ground, starting to cry. She could not understand why she had said the things she had and why or how she had chosen to be strong, but what hurt the most had been Damon's aloofness. It had made it clear that he really did not care for her, so she tried to comfort herself with the thought that at least she had put a stop to their fling and that with time she might forget him. Once her tears subsided, she shook off the pain and left the hotel, now miraculously having no problem with finding the elevator.

/

Over the following days, Elena did not leave her room. She had no appetite, she had no desire to move. At some moments, moving seemed impossible. She lay on her bed, listened to music and smoked, letting the smoke caress her lungs. It was so easy to do – to kill yourself mindlessly. Somehow her already non-existent self-esteem had been lowered even further by everything that happened. She had long phone conversations with Caroline about what had happened to her, trying to calm her, but at no point did she dare to mention Damon. When Elena suddenly felt an anxiety attack approaching, she cut her thighs lightly, which seemed to calm her for a moment, before making her feel even more disgusted with herself. Everything seemed to fade in a haze where nothing mattered anymore. Feeling a powerful desire to self-destruct even further, Elena decided to go to The Quarter.

Rings adorning her fingers, a leopard coat on and a short black dress underneath, Elena walked into the bar, immediately taken aback by how quiet it was. Only then did she realize that it was only eight o'clock in the evening. She did not know whether she wanted to see Damon or not, since either option seemed painful. All she knew was that she wanted something that night, something that would ruin her even further. She went up to the bar and ordered a drink. Staring at the lines of bottles before her, she noticed that someone was standing behind her. Elena turned to find Klaus almost pressed up against her.

"Hello, Elena,"

"Get the hell away from me,"

"That was unnecessarily rude. What have I ever done to you?" His smirk made Elena's stomach turn.

"I know what you did to Caroline,"

"I don't even know what I did to Caroline. How is she by the way? She hasn't been in touch recently,"

"Have the decency to not pretend that you don't know what I'm talking about,"

"Honestly, I don't know what she was so upset about. We were both completely wasted,"

"You're an awful human being,"

"Listen, I'm sorry. Tell her I'm sorry, I didn't think she'd react that way," Suddenly his tone seemed to change.

"You can tell her yourself, but she won't ever forgive you,"

"Well then what can I do to make it up to her and also to you, because you are her best friend after all,"

Elena turned away from him, desperately hoping he would just disappear.

"Can I at least buy you another drink? You look like you could use it,"

"No,"

"Fine then. I'll just sit here and maybe you'll change your mind. I'm a great listener by the way, so if you want to talk,"

"No, I really don't,"

They sat side by side and continued to drink, while the place filled up with the most colourful of crowds. Yet Klaus still refused to move. Once in a while, Elena looked around and tried to see if Damon was there, but every time she was disappointed, only catching a glimpse of Klaus' eyes on her.

"You know, I'm not really as bad as you think," He spoke unexpectedly, breaking the silence between them.

"I don't think you'll change my thoughts about you,"

"I know that I can act like a jerk, but I do try to control it,"

"How considerate of you,"

"I can see that you're hurting, Elena. Talk to me,"

"I'm not really a talkative person,"

"No shit," He laughed, "Let me buy us shots. As a peace offering. I know you like your alcohol,"

Giving in, Elena nodded. The drinks had already made her feel slightly better about life and she began to feel a nice sense of tipsiness overcome her.

Soon they were both drinking tequila and laughing about Klaus' story concerning the time he had smoked pot and gone to a cemetery in the middle of the night, where he was sure that dead people were chasing him. Despite the loathing which she still felt for him, Elena found it pleasant to have someone to talk to in that godforsaken place. Through laughs that almost brought her to tears, Elena looked up and saw Damon through the crowd. Completely shaken, she reacted in a way which surprised both her and Klaus. She stood up and taking him by the hand, led him into the mass of people. Placebo's 'I Know' fit her mood to the t, as she put Klaus' hands on her waist and held on to him as they moved to the song. Elena purposely did not look in the direction, where she had seen Damon, but she could almost feel him watching her. This overbearing feeling of wanting to make him jealous consumed her and before she truly realized what she was doing, her lips were against Klaus'. Klaus responded aggressively, drawing her closer into him and pulling her hair. They stayed on the dancefloor for what felt like the entire night, before returning to the bar, where Klaus bought more drinks. Through the drinks, music and sadness which she felt, Elena lost herself in her thoughts.

She woke up with the sunlight hitting her right in the eyes. The walls were pearly white, the floor was made from wood and was covered in clothes. There was an ashtray full to the brim with ashes strewn all around it and a half-drunk bottle of vodka next to it. Her skin was covered in goosebumps, since she did not even have a blanket to cover her bare body. Her mind began to race as she pieced together what had happened during the night. She remembered every single thing. Every single awful thing. She remembered The Quarter and how she had noticed Damon's look while she kissed Klaus again by the bar. She remembered how at that moment she had told Klaus that they could go back to his place. She remembered drinking more in his room before he began to kiss and undress her. She remembered enjoying it, because behind closed eyes she saw Damon in his place. At that moment the taste of making Damon jealous seemed so sweet. In the bright light of day, she realized how little it must have mattered to him and how little he must think of her now. She knew that Klaus lay there next to her, but she could not turn and look at him.

The notion that out of all the people in the bar, Klaus had become this object which was supposed to inspire jealously made her sick. Elena despised herself for what she had done, especially because she knew that Caroline would never forgive her if she knew. All she wanted to do now was forget it ever happened. Yet she knew that she needed to see Damon again and try to make it right, if that was at all possible, if he even cared. Elena got dressed and left without saying a word.

That evening she mustered up the courage to go to The Quarter again to find Damon. She sat by the bar for hours, but she never saw him there. She went there the following night and then the night after that, yet there was no sign of him. When the crowd became too much for her, she just went to stand and smoke in the alley, feeling more and more worthless with each minute that passed. The self-loathing which she had felt that morning when she had woken up in Klaus' room only increased the more she thought about it because she knew that there was no chance that Damon would want anything to do with her. However, her determination did not die, because she felt as though if she were to give up and never speak to him again, it would kill her inside. As she smoked the last cigarette from her pack on that Friday night, Elena was ready to leave for the night only to come back the next day, when the door to the alley opened and Damon came out.

Despite waiting for him for three days, Elena wanted to disappear as soon as she saw him. Her behaviour made her feel so ashamed that no words seemed appropriate.

"Hi," It came out as a hushed whisper rather than a word.

Damon did not say anything. He lit his cigarette and pressed his back against the wall.

"How are you?" These three words seemed like the most difficult obstacle Elena had ever had to surpass. Silence ensued for a moment as Damon continued to smoke. Finally, he looked at her and said;

"Good. You?"

Elena simply nodded.

"I see you've already moved on to the next one,"

"What?"

Damon laughed. "You know what I mean,"

"I haven't,"

"It seemed like it. Though you could have chosen better. That guy is bad news," He inhaled, "Then again, look at me. I'm not really one to talk,"

"It was a mistake,"

"I'm sorry you feel that way. I personally feel like we should all try to live without regrets," The coldness, with which he spoke, carved away at Elena's heart piece by piece.

"I came there that night to see you and when I did, I panicked,"

"You don't need to explain, Elena. There's nothing between us anyway," The way he said it was so bitter that Elena started to feel like someone should invent another word for regret. Something that would be even more indicative of how painful one's actions can seem looking back on them.

"I'm sorry, Damon,"

"Why are you apologizing?"

"I don't know," Elena knew she would break down at any moment.

"You know what was strange," Damon stamped out his cigarette and then started to come towards her, "That I felt so possessive of you. I had never felt that way before with anyone," He was now right in front of her, his hands pressed against the wall on both her sides.

"What do you mean by that?"

"I really wanted to punch him in the face, is what I mean," Damon's lips were almost against hers, "Then again, we're not together so,"

He moved away with raised hands and a smile, turning to go back inside. Elena recovered from what she had just felt and knew she had to act right then and there. She quickly went up to him and kissed him intensely. Damon's hands immediately went to her shirt, as he moved his hands over her breasts underneath it.

"Let's go back to the hotel," Elena whispered to him.

The streets seemed to disappear behind them quickly as they rushed to the hotel. Checking in, Damon kept holding Elena by the waist. She could sense his want and she knew that it matched her own. It was as though something beyond their attraction pulled them together. Nothing else seemed to exist in around them, when she was with him. Damon got the key and they made their way upstairs in the elevator, where he could not keep his lips off of her neck and cheeks. Elena did not notice that he had pressed a different floor from the one where they were supposed to be going. As they stepped out into a much shorter corridor, Damon pulled her to a door which led to a stairwell. At the top of the stairs was the exit to the roof.

The view was mesmerizing and overwhelming. The city lights stretched far out into the distance and coloured the sky with a subtle shade of mauve. The sounds from the street could not reach them so they walked to the ledge in pleasant silence. Damon pressed into her and bit her neck lightly, before turning her around. He raised her skirt and slid his fingers into her, feeling how aroused she was by him. She was wearing stockings and once he realized that, he got on his knees and kissed her thighs. Elena kept her eyes open despite wanting to close them from pleasure, but the view before her was too beautiful. Damon undid his trousers and entered her, thrusting powerfully and holding Elena by the neck. She gripped his hand, needing somewhere to express her rapture. She did not want the moment to end, wishing they could be locked in a bubble where there was nothing else but the two of them.

Finding themselves in another paster coloured hotel room, Elena and Damon lay on the bed facing each other. Damon's hand moved up and down Elena's hip bone, as they stared into each other's eyes.

"When you said that all of your relationships have been a disaster, what did you mean by that? Unless you don't want to talk about it,"

"No, it's fine. Let's just say that you're one of the sanest people I've ever been with,"

"That's quite worrying,"

Damon let out a laugh. "My previous girlfriend was a sado-masochist. She wanted me to cut her all the time and at the same time she tried to burn me with cigarettes quite a few times," He pointed to a scar on his arm.

"You're not a masochist are you?"

"No, I didn't stay with her for too long. Too crazy, even for me," He smiled, "I noticed the cuts on your legs,"

"Oh,"

"Nothing I haven't seen before. I just hope you'll stop doing that, for your own good,"

"I don't do it often. And when I do, it's almost like something I can't control,"

"I get that. My self-destructive behaviour of choice was taking drugs. Now I just sell them. Talk about turning something awful into something better,"

"Is it really though?"

"No. But I have to get by somehow and I haven't found an alternative yet,"

"I hope you do,"

"Will you stick around even if I don't?"

"Yes,"

"So we're giving this a try?"

Elena nodded and moved closer to him, giving him a kiss, before turning off the bedside lamp.


	5. Invisible Light

Invisible light.

The ground was glistening with a thin layer of ice, as Elena opened her eyes in a dream. She was standing in the middle of a city square and looking at the people passing by. Suddenly she saw Damon, with a girl by his side. Struck with jealousy, Elena started following them through the city streets. She needed to see what the girl looked like, because all she could see were the same chestnut coloured locks of hair, that looked frighteningly similar to her own. The girl was constantly trying to take Damon's hand and move closer to him as they walked, but he dismissed her efforts. It seemed as though Elena had been following them for eternity, when finally they stopped before her.

The scenery changed, and from an icy city, they were now all in a field of sun scorched grass which seemed to have no end. The only thing which Elena could see was an upside down cross. The girl by Damon's side turned towards her and Elena froze when she realized that it was her. At that moment, Elena knew that she was only watching the dream and not actually participating in it. She closed her eyes and when she opened them, Damon was nailing her double to the cross, yet there was no blood. There was just pain and sadness in her eyes, as little streams of tears had already dried. When Damon was done, he walked off into the distance, where he disappeared in a fog that was quickly overtaking the field.

This image awoke Elena. Through a powerful gasp she realized that she was truly awake, next to Damon in the hotel. Her body was shaking and she knew that she needed a drink. Quietly getting out of bed and walking to the minibar, Elena felt afraid of the shadows in the corners of the room. The dream felt unfinished and she was terrified that she might be the next victim. She took a small bottle of vodka and sat down by the window, which faced a brick wall and had a view of the alley below. The monotony of the view paralyzed her and she fell asleep again, only to be woken up by Damon when it was already light outside.

"Good morning," He sat on his knees in front of her, his hands on her thighs.

"Morning,"

"What would you say about breakfast?"

"Yes, please,"

They left the hotel without having said a word after this conversation. Somehow both of them looked petrified. Elena still had the shaken expression of someone who has just seen a ghost, whereas Damon just looked confused and uncomfortable. They walked out of the large door into blinding sunshine and a busy street.

"Do you know a good place around here?" Damon turned to Elena. She shook her head. He took it as a sign to show the initiative in finding a cafe. It did not take long before they were sitting at a small table in a quiet coffee shop only a few streets away. Elena sipped black coffee, having given up on breakfast since she had no appetite due to the amount of cigarettes she had smoked the last few days. Damon was eating scrambled eggs and toast and trying to think of something to say. In the bright light of the morning, the thought of having started a relationship seemed a lot more frightening, than it had the night before. Finally to avoid his own thoughts, he found the most banal thing to say.

"Toast is a great thing. I feel like I've been surviving on it for this entire month,"

"My love for toast is not quite as strong as yours," Elena smiled.

"What are your plans for today?"

"I don't really have any plans,"

"Those are the best days,"

"What about you?"

"I have to meet up with some friends,"

Elena smiled again, yet she felt disappointed. Somehow, she had almost assumed that they would spend the day together or at least part of the day. Now she was faced with the prospect of returning to her room and coping with her thoughts. They took their coffees outside and sat at a table on the busy street, smoking cigarettes. She wanted to say something, for either of them to say anything really, but it seemed impossible. It also did not quite help that she felt so insecure about the way she looked after the night before, that she could not even look Damon in the eye. When they had paid for breakfast it seemed that if there ever was a time to clarify what exactly had happened the night before it would be now, but Damon merely asked for her number. They then parted ways with a quick kiss, which left Elena more confused than ever.

When she got home, the peace she found in her surroundings was completely out of sync with her own mind. The dream haunted her, because she saw it as foreshadowing something that was yet to come - her surrendering to Damon and him abusing this or quite simply a tale of unrequited love. She thought of how bizarre it was that something good had actually occurred after her horrible actions where Klaus was concerned. It did not make any sense to her why Damon had wanted her after that. While it was happening, however, it had seemed entirely natural. Elena made herself another coffee, but while it was still brewing, she fell asleep.

/

The room was dark except for the two tall candles, which burned by the bed. Elena lay on top of the covers, unable to move, controlled by her thoughts. Days had passed since they had parted, but Damon had not tried to contact her. Apparently for him being in a relationship did not mean that he should see the person often. Elena loathed the thought that she was a living cliché, waiting by the phone for him to call her, but she could not help it. It was as though an invisible light shone upon her whenever she thought of him, making everything seem pleasant and meaningful. Yet as the fear of being the only one who feels this way began to materialize, Elena's thoughts became more and more obsessive.

As Elena was sipping a glass of wine, the phone finally rang. She hesitated before picking it up, fearful that it may not be him. Over the last couple of days, she had already been disappointed a few times. When she heard his voice, asking her to meet him in town, Elena breathed a sigh of relief. Everything seemed all right in her life again. She agreed to meet him in an hour. She put on her black dress and threw on a velvet jacket, before rushing out the door.

He stood by the fountain in the city square, deep in thought. Once he noticed her coming towards him, a vague smile appeared on his face. A smile, which made Elena blush slightly. While they discussed how they had been the last couple of days, with Elena making an effort to sound as though she had actually done something else other than stayed at home and thought about him, they wandered the streets. At first, she thought that they did not have a destination, but she soon realized that Damon was taking them somewhere. They walked down a modestly lit and abandoned street before coming up to the entrance of a graveyard.

Damon opened the creaky gate to the cemetery. There were no lights upon the paths, as they crossed the vast area, walking to the edge of the cemetery, which was encircled by a wall. Gravestones and monuments looked dark and foreboding in the perfect darkness, yet the complete silence offered a sense of peace. Damon walked quickly and Elena had to make an effort to catch up with him. They reached a clearing where a large statue of a man lying on his side was the focal point. Damon sat down upon it, waiting for Elena to join him. The stone was cold against her skin, so she tried to pull her skirt down so that her flesh would not touch it. They sat there quietly, trying not to disturb the silence which enveloped them. Elena heard sounds once in a while, knowing fully that she simply imagined them, but it added to the experience. Cigarette smoke curled up in the air, before blending with the fog that was beginning to roll in.

"I've always like cemeteries," Elena said, wanting to hear Damon's voice again.

"Glad to hear that I'm not the only one," She could hear his smile, "Had a feeling you might though,"

"Why?"

"I feel like we're more similar than we can appreciate right now. Then again, at the same time, I think we're completely different people,"

"Now you're just confusing me," After a pause, Elena added, "I actually know what you mean,"

"Hmm,"

"Damon,"

"Yes,"

"How exactly is this going to work? Our relationship, I mean,"

"Do you really want to talk about this?"

"Yes,"

"Could we just say that we're seeing each other now and see where we go from there?"

"I still don't know what that means,"

"Is it really necessary to define it?" Elena felt Damon's hand move across her thigh. His hand was cold, while her skin was burning. She felt him touch her over her underwear, feeling her warmth.

"Damon,"

"Yes?" He placed a kiss on her lips, "I want to fuck you,"

"Then do it,"

He moved quickly, raising her up in his arms and carrying her to a nearby gravestone. Her back pressed against it, he pushed into her. Their breathing was the only sound that could be heard. Erratic gasps full of desire, as he took off her underwear and opened her dress, revealing her breasts. Her skin was covered in goose bumps. The pale olive of it looked almost godly in the darkness.

"You always make me so wet,"

"You make me so fucking hard, Elena," She could feel his smirk against her cheek.

Damon entered her, holding her up against the stone, his hands gripping into her. His lips passed over her neck and chest, making her shiver. The intimacy she felt was something out of the world that they were in. Elena realized she had been whispering his name in his ear the entire time, wanting even more of him. There was nothing else she needed as much as she needed him. Damon's cheek against hers, he came, leaving her wanting more. His hands moved downwards, caressing her, before she felt his fingers inside her. As Elena gasped in ecstasy, feeling him leave love bites on her neck, Damon's touch made her come. When she looked into his eyes again, his look made her knees feel weak. He leaned in and whispered.

"Do you want to come back to my place?" The offer was too tempting to resist.

/

It was what she had expected. Damon's apartment felt cold to the point where she felt like she could see their breaths. All she could see in the dark were the white walls with some posters on them. He offered to make coffee. The black liquid warmed their insides, as they sipped it next to the window. He had still not switched on the light. Damon seemed so far away from her, even though he was sitting right there, in arm's reach. It was as though everything they had just felt, had disappeared. How could she go on, since it seemed impossible to carry on, when the person, who seemed dearest to her, was somewhere else. Immediately Elena began to regret having come to his apartment. Damon finished his coffee and switched on a small light, right by his mattress. Things in the room began to have a shape and the first thing she noticed, was an upside-down crucifix right by his bed.

The dream came rushing back to her. It was like a wave, from which she could not escape. The thought of the situation coming to life frightened her to her core. Damon began to take off his clothes, before getting under the covers, waiting for her to join him. Elena took off her jacket, dropping it on the floor and lay down next to him. The tension which her mind had built up could be felt with even the slowest of movements. She could feel Damon's hands on her, but they suddenly seemed repulsive to her. There was no possibility of her giving in this easily to him. For the moment, she knew that all she was to him was just sex and she did not want that. The dream had showed her how it would end.

He tried to seduce her, but before he could, Elena pushed him away.

"Damon, I don't want it to be just this,"

"What do you mean?"

"Do you actually want to see me? I mean, other than when you feel the need to have sex,"

"Isn't that what we usually do?""

"I thought something would change,"

"Don't you want this?" She could feel his body against hers and she wanted him just as much as he wanted her, but Elena knew that it would not work like this.

"I do, but not this way," Elena got up and began to walk towards the door.

"What the fuck, Elena? Could you be more confusing?"

She turned towards him, but Elena knew that either answer would confuse him even more, so she simply left the studio, without saying another word. As she made her way back home through the empty streets, Elena tried to hold back the tears, which seemed almost inevitable. She knew that Damon was the worst possible person for her to fall in love with and yet she had. This was irreversible. Anxiety mixed with fear, as she realized that she did not even have his number, so she could not contact him and apologize in a moment of weakness, for how she had left. All she could do now was wait.


	6. Losing My Edge

Losing my edge.

The pages of the newspaper had faded slightly from the sunlight, as it had been left on the windowsill. Elena was torn between reading her horoscope. She did not entirely believe in them, but an unpromising answer or worse yet, a negative one, often ruined her mood and sent even more chaotic thoughts her way. Her fingers flipped to the page and she found her sign, Cancer. Skipping over the health, work and money sections, her eyes focused on love. 'It won't be long before you receive a secret love letter. Those who have a new crush, should be careful – the person may be damaged because of their past, and sometimes you can't fix what is broken, despite how hard you try'. The newspaper found itself in the bin only seconds later.

Four days had passed since Elena had stormed out of Damon's apartment and he had still not made an effort to call her. She still felt quite resolved and determined to show him her stance, but her strength was weakening day after day. These last remains of determination were the only thing that stopped her from going to the bar, but she knew that she could not sustain this for much longer. It seemed absurd to her that right when they had agreed to start something, everything had ended up in such a mess. Her favourite past-time had become sitting by the window and chain-smoking, while drinking peppermint tea and thinking about every possible detail she could remember when it came to Damon. Yet this too was not sustainable and Elena knew that she was bound to go mad if she was to keep this going.

Her thoughts were also constantly interrupted by her sense of reason, or whatever else it may have been, that told her that she might not have a future with Damon. Not only that but also the fact that she liked him more than he seemed to like her, which worried her, since it appeared as though her self-hatred and loathing may have contributed to her falling for someone such as Damon, who seemed likely to hurt her once he was no longer interested. Despite these thoughts, which all had some truth to them, she could not imagine not having him in her life. As little as she knew him, Elena was also sure that there was something between them, which went beyond the few times that they had met. As much as she hated to admit it to herself, since it sounded like the blandest of clichés, it had something to do with fate.

Another aspect which added greatly to Elena's unease was the fact that her exams were just around the corner and she could think of nothing but Damon. Her studies had not suffered yet, but these last four days of waiting had completely paralyzed her. She had not picked up a single book. Only for the sake of her sanity she had decided to go to her lectures and seminars, but once there, she had not participated at all. Drowning in her thoughts, alcohol or the fear of losing herself completely because of another person, Elena secluded herself in her room and avoided any interaction with another human being, for fear of unleashing all her thoughts upon them, just as she had done the week before.

As the sun was setting in a bed of gold, plum and berry, Elena sat by the window and lit her tenth cigarette in a row. She did limit herself to a pack per day, but it was becoming increasingly difficult. When she was done with her cigarettes, she started drinking vodka lemonades before drunkenly falling asleep only to press repeat on the entire process the next day. Her eyes closed, biting her lip, she thought of the cemetery and how strangely poetic their love-making had seemed. A loud ring woke her from her fantasy and she rushed to the phone, dropping ashes on herself.

"Hello,"

"Hey! It's me. What are you up to?"

"Oh, hi, Caroline. Nothing much, just thinking of having dinner now," A blatant lie, since Elena had been unable to eat properly for the past two days, "How are you doing?"

"Good. I'm ready to socialize again. What are you doing tomorrow night?"

"Nothing,"

"Perfect. We should go out!"

"I don't know, Caroline,"

"Come on, Elena. I feel like I haven't seen you in a while and I really need a drink. Plus, we can't let that cute bartender at The Quarter forget us,"

"Oh no. If we're going out, can we please go somewhere else?"

"Why?"

"I just don't feel like going there anytime soon,"

"Did you do something there with someone who you don't want to see again?"

"No, it's not that. I just don't want to go there,"

"Fine, I'm not really that bothered. But then it's up to you to choose the place,"

"Ok, I will. I'll call you tomorrow,"

"You better,"

"Bye, Caro," Elena laughed. It was so pleasant to have someone make you laugh. Elena was glad that Caroline had been so insistent, since she knew that leaving her room would be good for her. She was just about to return to her chair by the window, when the phone rang again.

"Caro, I can't choose a place that quickly,"

"That's a strange way to answer your phone," Damon gave out a laugh.

"Oh, sorry. I just, wasn't expecting it to be you,"

"Sorry for not giving you a call earlier. I was just busy. How are you?"

"No worries. I'm fine. Also busy. Uni and all,"

"What are you doing tomorrow night?"

"I'm going out with my friend. Why?"

"I wanted to invite you to an event. Where are you guys going?"

"We don't really have plans yet,"

"Do you want to come to a leather fetish drag party?"

"Um, yes? Sounds interesting," Elena's scepticism made them both laugh.

"Don't worry, you're not expected to dress up. The theme is just for the performances. It would be great if you had some leather aspect in your outfit though, to blend in. I hope your friend will be up for it,"

"I'll convince her. This just sounds too intriguing to pass up,"

"Let's meet by the fountain again at say eleven o'clock?"

"Ok, see you then,"

"Until tomorrow,"

As Elena hung up, she thought her heart would leap from her chest into the receiver only to travel to Damon. Disbelief took over her as she could not truly comprehend that he had called her and invited her somewhere. It must mean that he was not angry at her, or had not given up on their agreement, yet she was irritated by the thought that they would not be able to talk properly at a party. Then again, Elena did not really want to talk. She knew it could only make things worse. Too much clarity and too much talk about the future would only reveal their differences, and this frightened more than anything else. To avoid a fresh rush of thoughts if only a for a moment, Elena called Caroline and explained the situation. Reluctant at first, Caroline soon came around and began to see the event just as Elena did – as an interesting adventure. Once she hung up, Elena returned to her seat, where she had been frozen like a sculpture for days, but finally she could let out a short sigh of relief.

/

Zipping up the shiny black leather skirt, which Elena had found in a thrift shop earlier in the day, she felt the nervousness which coursed through her. Caroline sat on the floor by the mirror and applied an almost black lipstick. She went up to the mirror and looked at herself, for the first time in a while actually feeling comfortable of the way she looked. The coal coloured black top with sheer sleeves, black skirt and painted black eyes paired with ruby lips made her look like a vampire and she could not have been happier about that.

"Elena, pour the drinks, please. You do realize that we have to leave in almost an hour. There is no way that I'm going there sober,"

"I'm with you on that,"

"I really want to meet Damon. He sounds nice,"

"Nice is not exactly the word I'd use to describe him. But he is interesting. And I have never met anyone else who makes me feel like he does,"

"Careful, Elena, you sound like a romantic,"

"Shh, I would never let that happen,"

"Oh come one, Elena. When you were together with Stefan, I was convinced you were a true romantic! What happened?"

"I just realized that it's not as simple as that. And that the romantic gestures, all those typical phrases and things, usually compensate for something that isn't there. I need something that's more real, more meaningful,"

"Still incredibly romantic. Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging you. In fact, I wish I could be more like you. All I've done is have pointless casual relationships with assholes,"

"We really need to get drunk, Caro,"

"Oh yes,"

'Don't Speak' blasting in the background, Elena and Caroline smoked and quickly sipped their drinks. The room was dark and comforting, resembling the calm before the storm. Elena was not really sure how their night would turn out, but every possibility which her mind had been able to conceive did not have a happy ending. Whether it was pessimism or realism was something which seemed too difficult to grasp. Just as Caroline was pouring them another round, the phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Elena, it's Damon," Elena's heart sank, because she was sure that he was calling to cancel the whole night.

"Hi!"

"Listen, I'm already in town, so do you want to meet up earlier and get drinks somewhere?"

"My friend and I are actually drinking at my place, so you could join us,"

"Ok, great," Elena gave him the address and hung up.

"Is he coming over?" Caroline asked, smiling contentedly. Elena merely nodded.

Fifteen minutes later, Damon was there, standing in Elena's room, which had been tidied quickly just before he walked through the door. His words still echoed in Elena's mind, ' _Not really my thing_ ' was what he had said when she had first offered him to stay the night there. Now he was drinking his vodka and coke while sitting on the chair where Elena had spent the last four afternoons thinking about him. She realized that her behaviour was bordering on insane, but there was little she could do to control it. Elena was paralyzed, but thankfully neither Caroline nor Damon noticed, since they had already started chatting away about eighties horror movies.

"Why exactly are we going to a leather fetish drag party tonight?" Caroline changed the subject.

"I have some friends who work at the gallery, where it's taking place. It's an art show more than anything else. But I also know the drag queens and they are just great people,"

"I'm sure it'll be a fun evening," Caroline said excitedly, already showing signs of being tipsy.

"I hope Elena feels the same way," Damon turned to Elena and smirked. Still unable to say anything to add to the conversation, Elena went over to the window and lit a cigarette.

"I need to pee," Caroline announced, before disappearing behind the door.

Elena felt Damon's hands on her waist. She turned around to find his lips against hers.

"You're very brave to kiss me when I have this lipstick on,"

"It's just been a while since I've had the chance to do that. Also, I'm sure that dark lipstick looks great on me," Damon smiled, making Elena laugh.

"I'm glad to see you," She said, nervous about how he would respond.

"I'm glad to see you too," Perhaps sensing Elena's inner desire to talk about what had happened last time, he added, "Let's talk later though,"

At that point Caroline walked back into the room and Damon sat back down on the chair. While Elena was happy about what he had said, it made her incredibly anxious. It became evidently clear to her that he was able to read her like an open book and if he could have said something like that, he must have certainly known how powerfully in love with him she was.

Just as the clock struck eleven, they finished their last drinks and left Elena's room to go to the party. Walking through the streets, Elena felt an almost unbearable feeling of happiness to be by Damon's side. She knew that they looked good together and the thought of that sent shivers through her. At that precise moment, she realized the danger she was in. For months, Elena had been depressed, hating herself, going on only because she hardly knew what had been happening around her and now for the first time she felt truly happy. And it was not because of her, but because of another person. This type of happiness was so easy to take away and could leave such scars, that she worried that she might not survive it. For the remainder of the way, Elena was lost in her thoughts and so was glad that they had Caroline with them, since she kept talking to Damon, making her own silence less obvious.

/

Led by Damon, the three of them found their way to the gallery which was situated near the river, a little walk away from the centre. Inside everything was dark, but for the light of pale blue bulbs which shined from the corners of the rooms. Elena and Caroline blended in only relatively, as most people had invested in costumes, some of which either seemed to cover or expose too much. They made their way to the bar, still confused about everything that was happening around them. She saw Damon waving at some people in the distance.

After a few drinks, Elena had finally taken in the surroundings. Everyone seemed to be having a good time. The music was slow and eerie, but Damon assured her that this would change when the show would begin. Most of the crowd consisted of drag queens, the rest of it was men her age or younger, and then there were the three of them.

"Let's go and say hi," Elena felt Damon take her hand and she in turn took Caroline's.

The table they walked up to was occupied by three men and a girl. Elena immediately recognized the girl – it was Vicki. Damon introduced Elena and Caroline to everyone, but it was too loud to hear their names. While Damon and Elena sat down on one side of the table, Caroline sat down at the other, next to a man who looked older than Damon.

"How do you like it so far?" Damon whispered in her ear.

"I don't really know yet," Elena could not take her eyes off Vicki, "That girl. She was at the hotel,"

"Yeah, that's Vicki. Remember when I told you about my sadomasochistic ex? Well that's her,"

"So, we're hanging out with your ex?" Elena immediately regretted the way she had asked the question.

"There's nothing between us. She's just part of this group of friends and this type of night is something she's quite obviously into,"

"I didn't mean to sound jealous,"

"Are you?"

Elena shook her head, but could not conceal a smile, which clearly showed that she was lying. Damon put his arm around her and pulled her close to him.

"I think we're a perfect match, because I'm also the jealous type,"

Elena noticed Vicki's gaze upon her, which made her feel uncomfortable. She was wearing a shiny black latex dress, which revealed most of her chest. Her skin was covered in thin scars, not all of which seemed particularly old. To avoid her gaze, Elena looked at Caroline who seemed to be conversing quite actively with the man she was sitting next to.

"Who's that?"

"That's Enzo. He's a really good friend, an artist. He paints abstract things and such,"

"Is he a good guy?"

"Aw, you're feeling protective, are you?" Damon laughed and kissed the top of her head.

"Obviously. Caroline deserves someone nice in her life,"

"I don't know if he's nice, but he's definitely a good guy,"

"Seems slightly contradictory,"

"I would say the same thing about myself, to be honest,"

"I would say that too,"

"So, you don't think I'm nice?" Damon pretended to be insulted.

"Well neither do you!"

"I've actually softened up over the years. I used to be all rebellious and angry, but that's hard work,"

"True,"

"What's going on in that mind of yours? You seem quiet tonight,"

"I don't even know. It's a mess up there,"

"Then this is the best place for you tonight, since it's very easy to forget everything here,"

The music stopped suddenly and a voice urged the crowd to come closer to the stage. As Elena and Damon got up, Caroline indicated that she wanted to stay there. Before Elena could protest, Damon was already leading her away towards the neon lights of the stage. The show began and Elena immediately realized what Damon had meant with his words, since every act seemed to be more entertaining than the previous one. The queens pulled people onstage, whips were involved, but it was all fun and games. The host did not hesitate to tell joke after joke and lip-sync along with the songs. Damon held her in his arms all the time. To the outside observer it would seem that he was embracing their try at a relationship more than she was, but Elena was not sure if that was the case.

Once the show was done, the music turned to something more upbeat and dance worthy, as they went to the bar. Waiting for their drinks, Damon was just about to ask her something, when Vicki appeared next to them.

"Hi, stranger," She smiled. It was the most frightening smile Elena had ever seen. It was clear that she had taken drugs, but she looked so far gone that the only thing before them was the shell of a human being - its smile entirely empty, the eyes glossy.

"Hello, Vicki,"

"Enjoying your night?"

"Yes. What about you?"

"It's been fun. Katherine's here too, you know,"

"Shit, don't start this again,"

"Why?" She looked at Elena, "Your new friend should know,"

"You're high out of your mind. Go home,"

"The party's just starting. You really should tell her. Or maybe you don't want to, because you've already cheated on her or you're planning on cheating on her in the near future,"

"Leave me alone," Damon took Elena's hand and pulled her away, finally pushing her towards the door of the gallery. Once they were outside in the fresh air, Elena understood how truly uncomfortable she had felt, yet she had once again become paralyzed in the situation.

"You do realize that you need to explain that?"

"I thought that you pretty much got all of it,"

"You cheated on Vicki?"

"Yes, but this was towards the end, when I felt like we really weren't working out,"

"And the girl is here tonight?"

"Yes," Damon looked angry, "All of this doesn't matter,"

"I know, but since she brought it up, it would be more awkward if we didn't talk about it,"

"I know. She's never acted up like this, you know. You must have really made her jealous,"

"Is that supposed to be a compliment?"

"In a way, yes,"

Damon's hands took her by the waist, pushing her against the wall.

"Should we go somewhere else?" He bit her earlobe, as his lips made their way across her neck.

"I'm not leaving Caroline,"

"You can go and say goodbye. I'm sure that Enzo will take care of her,"

"No, no. I don't trust him yet,"

Damon sighed and moved back slightly.

"Fine, let's go back and join them,"

The pair found Caroline and Enzo making out at the table. Damon went to go and get drinks and it seemed as though Enzo joined him out of politeness in order to leave Elena and Caroline alone.

"Caro, do you want to get out of here?"

"Do you not like it?"

"I do but," Elena hesitated, because she noticed how glowing Caroline looked, "I don't want to leave without you,"

"Oh. You and Damon can go. I'll be fine,"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Enzo's great!"

"Be careful, Caroline,"

"I will,"

The men returned, bringing over drinks. They sat and talked until the drinks were finished, which gave Elena the opportunity to form a first impression of Enzo. He did seem nice, despite his almost too stereotypical bad boy look. Damon motioned that they should leave, and so they did, after Elena gave Caroline a peck on the cheek. When they were outside again, they both lit a cigarette and smoked in silence.

"Where do you want to go?" Damon asked.

"My place?"

"Fine with me,"

They started to walk back in the direction of Elena's student halls, filling the silence of the streets with their footsteps. The air was cool and inviting, making the walk pleasant and slowly resetting Elena's heartbeat to an almost steady rhythm. However, she knew that it would only last until they got back to her room. Once there, her desire for him would overtake her, unleashing the emotions which lay just beneath the surface.


	7. Out of Touch

Out of touch.

Refreshing, soft air crawled in through the open window, as Damon and Elena stood by it, a slight distance apart. The smoke from their cigarettes was stubbornly blown into the room rather than outside. A lonely streetlight was the only source of light outside at a little past two o'clock in the morning.

"What did you think of the evening?"

"I liked it,"

"Somehow I didn't hear too much enthusiasm in your voice," Damon laughed.

"No, really. I think I'm just tired,"

"How tired?" He came up to her, throwing his cigarette in the ashtray. His hands pushed her against the wall and lifted up her skirt.

"Not that tired,"

Elena's lips touched his, feeling goose bumps form all down her arms. Sirens and blue lights passed by the window, as they both fell on her bed. Damon undressed her, before taking off his trousers, as Elena sensed her heartbeat increase by the second. He turned her around on her stomach, placing kisses on her skin from her neck down to the small of her back. His body was heavy upon hers as he slid into her, moving slowly, making Elena reach for the bedpost.

"Do you want me to do it stronger?" Damon whispered in her ear, pulling her hair back.

"Yes,"

The bed began to move with the strength of Damon's movement. He was holding her hair in his hand, which Elena found slightly painful, but it quickly became something she enjoyed. His other hand dug into her waist as he held her and as Elena felt him coming, she placed her hand on his, holding it tightly. He quickly turned her around and used his tongue to make her come.

They fell asleep in each other's arms, something Damon said he had not done with anyone for a while.

/

By the sound of the morning news coming from the radio Elena made coffee and eggs with toast. Damon was still asleep as she brought them in. The serenity which he represented at that moment was something Elena did not want to disturb. She quietly climbed back into bed and got into the nook under his arm. Even these careful movements were enough to awake him, so that he pulled her closer and, placing a kiss on the top of her head, whispered; "Good morning,".

"Morning,"

"The sun is awfully bright," He shielded his eyes from the bright wave of light coming from the window.

"Count your blessings, at least it's sunny,"

"True. Breakfast sounds like a good idea. I do actually feel like we drank until three in the morning,"

"I made breakfast and I'm with you on that,"

"Aw, you're too nice,"

Elena's head was aching painfully, but she did not want to show it. They ate their breakfast while flipping through the newspaper she had also brought in. Despite having no appetite but rather a strong desire to just rely on coffee, she pulled through like a champion and felt glad that she had afterwards. Once again she became aware how distant Damon seemed now that everything was laid bare in the morning light and there was no alcohol to make them both chipper. It seemed that silence was bound to ensue whenever they were both sober and that somehow they could not really function together outside party nights. These thoughts did not help Elena's hangover and more than just that, she simply refused to believe them.

"Any plans today?"

"Nope," Damon said and looked at her, "You?"

"No, I'm free,"

"Why don't we go to a museum or something?"

"Somehow, I never thought you'd propose something like that,"

"Why? I'm intellectual enough,"

"Not what I was trying to say,"

"Also, I used to paint, so art is still something I really enjoy,"

"Used to?" Elena raised an eyebrow.

"Yes. Creativity is a funny thing. It can just disappear one day,"

"Were you any good?" Damon laughed at the question.

"I hope I was. Not likely though. Then again some people thought I was, since they actually paid money for the paintings. Also had a few shows at galleries here and there,"

"That sounds serious,"

"It was for a while. I loved pretending to be this edgy painter, then it kind of all went away,"

"Your look suits that stereotype," Damon bowed slightly before laughing, "Have you ever thought about trying to get back into painting?"

"Of course. I kept all my stuff and I've even gone as far as buying paint, making frames and such, but if you're not really inspired then there's nothing you can do,"

"What's your style?"

"Abstract mostly. That's how Enzo and I became friends. We were both doing the same thing and so we just decided to stroke each other's ego until that turned into an actual friendship,"

Damon lay back down in bed and reached out to pull Elena next to him.

"So how about you? Any creative talents I should know about?"

"Not really. I used to write, but that was just awful,"

"Why?"

"It was all shitty poetry that could hardly even be called poetry. I only wrote in free verse and it was basically just my thoughts in the form of a poem,"

"That's something I'd like to read?"

"Why? I didn't really advertise it very well,"

"I'd just like to know what's going on in your mind, Elena," Damon stroked a hair away from her face, "You don't say very much,"

"I have a feeling that you've already pointed that out,"

"Does it upset you that I do?"

"Yes,"

"Why?"

"Because I was in love with someone once, or at least I thought I was, and he told me the same thing, only later adding that it made me seem dull and boring, which is why he didn't want to be with me,"

Elena felt terrible memories rush back with a vengeance, so she just smiled and said, "But this is too much for this hour of the morning,"

"He sounds like a jerk and I would not call you boring,"

"I'm glad to hear that," She smiled, "Should we head out?"

"Not yet," His arms enveloped her, as he placed a kiss on her lips. He threw off the covers as the room was getting warm and placed himself on top of her. Elena placed little kisses on his shoulders, before lightly biting into his skin. They made love in the brightly lit bed surrounded by the smell of coffee and yesterday's cigarettes.

As Damon was getting dressed, he noticed Elena's photo album sitting on the shelf next to him.

"Please tell me this is full of embarrassing childhood photos,"

"Not really," Before Elena could tell him not to look at it, Damon was already flipping through the pages.

"Well weren't you cute," He raised his eyes to meet hers, "Of course, you're still cute now,"

Elena could tell the moment when he turned to a page with Stefan. His eyes remained the same, but he let out a little chuckle.

"You looked like a nice couple,"

"Damon,"

"Why did it not work out?"

"We were too different,"

"Very vague, very mysterious," He smiled, "My brother was not the one who told you that you were boring, was he? Because that would just be ironic,"

"No, it wasn't him,"

"Will you ever tell me anything, Elena?"

"What do you mean?"

"I'm kind of starting to feel like, I'm telling you all my past woes, while you're just hiding it all away,"

"I remember you saying that talking about personal things was not really something you were into, so you should understand someone who feels the same way,"

"The difference is that you never made any such disclaimer," Damon put the photo album away, "Let's go out. I need fresh air,"

The museum was quite a walk away, so they passed through most of the midday crowd of people going for lunch, since while for Damon and Elena it was still morning, for the rest of the world it was another busy day at work. The air was slightly smoggy and smothering, almost yearning for rain, while not a cloud was to be seen in the sky. Yet Elena knew that by the time they left the museum the streets would be covered in puddles and they would have to hide from the rain. The contemporary art museum was in a massive but otherwise unremarkable building. Once they were inside and had paid for the tickets, Damon told her that he had been meaning to come to this exhibition for a while. When they entered the gallery, she immediately realized why.

To say that it was dark, would be an understatement. The entire exhibition, which was left unexplained and for the viewer to interpret, consisted of World War II era portraits with faces replaced with skulls, a room full of destroyed car engines, representing car crashes, and various busts with latex masks. The eeriness of the exhibition sent chills through Elena, but once again she was surprised at how much she liked it. The concepts were interesting and something she had never seen before, especially since she used to frequent only more pre-modern art museums. As they walked through the rooms, Elena noticed how absorbed Damon was with everything he saw and she felt like while they were there, she did not even exist. Once again, she wrote it off as him being immersed in the pieces before him and not as an insult to her.

Just as Elena had predicted, once they were outside, they encountered rain. They ran to the nearest bar, yet were both soaked to their skin. Damon ordered two whisky's and they went to a table close to an electric heater. The sharp liquid warmed their insides and made Elena pleasantly tipsy.

"What did you think of the exhibition?" She asked.

"I thought it was great. A bit too theatrical maybe, but I enjoyed it,"

"Do you by any chance know the artist?"

"No, but Enzo does. He says he's a shit though," Damon drank the rest of his whisky, "But that can be said about all artists,"

"Even you?"

"Of course. If you haven't noticed, I'm not the greatest person," He laughed.

"You can always try to be,"

"Pff, pointless. You can't change who you are. People don't really change past a certain age,"

"I don't believe that,"

"Good for you. It's a nice thing to not believe,"

"What are your flaws?"

"You're funny Elena. Why would I tell you my flaws, when I'm still somewhat trying to show my best side?"

"Are you?"

"Damn it. I thought I was doing so well," He laughed, "Well, let's just say that I'm very selfish and self-centred,"

"I haven't really noticed that yet,"

"That's because I like you. You're my favourite new person who I'm trying to understand,"

"Is that a warning that this might change?"

"Let's just say, if you can stand me for more than a month, I'll be very surprised. I'm bound to say something that makes you run the other way,"

"Not a very encouraging thing to hear," Elena said, confused as to how to feel about everything Damon was saying.

"At least it's honest,"

"Hmm, honesty. I used to think it was a good thing, but then I realized that many people abuse it and hide behind that word as an excuse,"

"True. I don't want to be that way though. I just say what I think,"

The sound of rain against the window filled the silence between them. Damon did not seem fazed by their conversation, while Elena did not know what to think. She was not upset by it, but it made her very worried that she was just a phase in Damon's life. And she knew that she could not go through the heartbreak if that would turn out to be true. The problem was that she was already far too attached and she liked him too much, to end this now, before she delved even deeper into the feelings that were already there.

They left the bar as the rain had turned to a drizzle. They had agreed to go each to their own place, as Elena had to study. Damon gave Elena a hug and kissed her.

"Damon, can I have your number?"

"Yes, of course. I thought I'd already given it to you," He wrote it down on a piece of paper.

"See you later this week?"

"Yes," Damon said as he gave her another hug, before walking away. As she saw him walk away, she realized that she had just asked for his number mindlessly, without even controlling herself. Her heart had told her to do that, just in case she should want to call him, because she was afraid of once again having to wait too long before seeing him again. Rushing home, Damon's words would not leave Elena's thoughts, so that once she was back in the warmth of her room, she began to cry. Not really knowing why, but feeling like whatever they had was bound to come to a sad end.

/

Two days later, Elena had not received a call from Damon. She tried to think of anything else, but he was always there at the back of her mind. Every book she read for her exams made no sense and her notes were all over the place. Too much coffee only added to the anxiousness and very little sleep meant that she spent the entire night thinking only of him and how to change the dynamic that they had created. On the third day, Elena decided to call him herself. After two attempts Damon finally answered.

"Hey, it's Elena,"

"Hi. How are you?"

"Good, I'm good. You?"

"Yeah me too,"

"I was wondering, do you want to go for drinks tonight?"

"I'm not feeling too well. I feel a cold coming on. But I'll call you later in the afternoon and let you know, ok?"

"Ok, great. I'm sorry to hear you're not well though,"

"I'll survive. 'til later!"

Once Elena hung up, excitement overtook her. She tried to study, but the thought of possibly seeing Damon later worked on her like a drug, making her mind all hazy. When it came to seven o'clock and he had still not called, she began to worry. When it was already nine o'clock, Elena realized he was not going to call at all. To make it less awkward, she once again called him herself. Damon answered and apologized for not calling, but told her that he was feeling horrible. She told him that it was fine, that that was what she thought had happened. He told her that he would call the following day.

Needless to say, that the following day Elena's nerves were once again on edge as she could think of nothing else but Damon calling. He never did, nor the next day. Three days later, as Elena returned from the library, she finally found a voice message from him. All he asked was how she was doing. She decided to call him back later that evening. Elena made lunch, studied some more, cleaned her room, changed her sheets and smoked a cigarette. She did everything to avoid calling him back immediately, yet while it was a means of trying to control herself it did not change the fact that she thought of nothing but him while doing all of those things. Finally, she allowed herself to call him.

"Hello?"

"It's Elena,"

"Hi! How are things?"

"Great. I've been very productive today,"

"That's good,"

"What about you?"

"I haven't been productive at all. But otherwise, life is good,"

"What have you been up to?"

"Not much. Seeing a few friends," She could hear Damon hesitate, "Listen, the reason I'm calling you is because I just wanted to say that I'll be away for a week or so. I'm going to London,"

"Oh, that sounds fun," Was all Elena could say. She had been ready to propose drinks again, but that went out of the window.

"Yeah, I hope it will be. I'll see you when I get back, ok?"

"Ok! Have a lovely time while you're there,"

"I will. It's bound to be a blast. Talk to you soon. Bye,"

"Bye," They hung up and Elena sat down on the bed, speechless and broken. She did not mind that he was going away, but the fact that they had not seen each other for a week and would not see each other for another week or maybe more crushed all the little fantasies that had filled her mind throughout these days. If this was what Damon considered a relationship, Elena was not sure that she wanted to be a part of it. Yet she still felt too weak to give up on it. What confused her the most was that everything had seemed fine and she had felt hope it all actually working out. Now it was all gone.

The week that followed was the most awful time that Elena had experienced in her depression. Every time she would try to study, she would give up after a few minutes. She would make food only to throw it away later, hidden in small plastic bags. The only thing she did consume was coffee and wine, but the quantities she drank made her head hurt. Caroline called twice to try to get her to come along to some events, but Elena did not feel like she wanted to leave the house, except to go to the store. Especially since she would have to see Caroline and Enzo together, who, based on what Caroline had said, were happier than a pair of clams. Elena tried to subtly tell her that Enzo may not be such a nice guy, basing this off Damon, but Caroline did not want to listen to that. Elena's heart broke when she imagined that she might have accidentally set Caroline up with someone who might hurt her again.

When around twelve days had passed since Elena had last spoken to Damon, she took it upon herself to try and call him, to check if he was back. To her surprise, he answered.

"How was London?"

"London was brutal. I need to sleep for like a week. I met a lot of old friends and let's just say that they really know the party scene there. How are you doing? Been up to much?"

"I'm fine," Elena said, as her eyes passed over the mess in her room, the three empty coffee cups right in front of her and the once white windowsill which was now littered with ashes, "I've just been studying. Went out a few times too,"

"Sounds good,"

"Do you want to go to a concert tonight?" Elena knew that there was something on at a place she used to go to with Stefan.

"Sorry not tonight, I'm still burnt out from London," Elena must have paused for too long, since he continued, "Maybe let's do tomorrow night. I was planning to meet up with some friends, but they haven't confirmed anything yet,"

"That would work!"

"Great, I'll call you tomorrow,"

When Damon hung up, Elena broke out in tears. She hated herself more by the minute, but there was something in her mind eating away at her self-control. She loathed herself for being so reliant on someone who she did not truly know, on someone who would never truly respect her. She hated her depression, she hated the fact that she had begun cutting again the day before, but most of all she hated herself for still loving Damon.

He did call the following day, only to tell her that he would see his friends, but that they could meet the next day around noon for a walk through another nearby cemetery. Elena's jumped at the thought of him actually coming up with a plan, so she spent the rest of the day in a happy mood, actually trying to get back to her studies and trying to get herself back together.

The next day at eleven thirty, just as she was dressed and ready to go out, the phone rang. She answered unwillingly.

"Hey. Maybe agreeing to meet at noon was a bit too optimistic. Can we do one instead?"

"Hi. Sure, ok, that's fine,"

"See you then," Elena thought about it. She might just as well have already left her room and not answered the phone, so then she would have had to wait for him outside, since he would definitely be extremely late, not knowing what had happened and if he would show up. This seemed like the last straw.

When they met, and begun to walk through the paths of the cemetery while he told her vague stories of London, Elena looked at him and in that moment, she knew that he did not even want to be there. There was no enthusiasm in him. To an outsider it would seem that she had taken him there against his will. Elena's heart sank with sadness and hopelessness and while she tried not to show it, her face was an open book. They walked to edge of the cemetery and while Elena looked at the view of the nearby neighbourhood, Damon had his back turned to it. Damon started to walk away, assuming Elena would do the same, as she said,

"Cool poster," The poster was a minimalist drawing for an upcoming film.

"I don't give a fuck to be honest,"

Elena had not expected excitement, but this was a reply that exceeded her wildest imagination. She looked at Damon as he turned back to her and realized that he was not even trying to start an argument. He just really did not care. She meant nothing to him.

"I'm going home,"

"Why?"

"Seriously?" Elena scoffed. His ignorance and nonchalant look made her boil with anger, but since she was on the verge of tears, she knew that she had to leave the situation quickly. He would not see her cry. Elena just kept walking towards the exit, both hoping and dreading that he would follow her. He did not. When she was far enough away from the cemetery, she began to run and she ran all the way home, trying to outrun every single thought that was connected to Damon.


End file.
